How to Start Being Confident by Changing the Way You Talk to Yourself

If you have ever wondered how to start being confident, the first place to look is not your posture, your outfit, your resume, or seeming impressive. It starts with the voice you use on yourself when you mess up, feel nervous, or have no idea what to do next.

A lot of people misunderstand confidence. We picture someone walking into a room with their shoulders back, a cocky grin on their face, acting like they already know they are the best person there. But that is not confidence. Often, that is insecurity dressed up as arrogance.

Real confidence is quieter than that. Confidence is not knowing you are going to win. Confidence is liking yourself enough to try even when you are nervous, unsure, or worried about the outcome. It is knowing that whether you succeed, fail, look awkward, or have to try again, you are still going to be okay because there is a kind, steady voice inside you that does not abandon you.

In fact, research from UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center suggests that self-compassion can reduce stress and anxiety while helping people feel safer when they make mistakes, which is a huge part of learning how to start being confident.

That matters for young adults because this stage of life is full of moments where you feel like you should know what you are doing, but you absolutely do not. School, work, friendships, dating, family, money, purpose, and the future can all feel overwhelming. So if you want to know how to start being confident, start by paying attention to how you treat yourself in uncertainty.

How to Start Being Confident Without Faking It

I am not talking about toxic positivity. I am not talking about pretending you are flawless and unstoppable. That is not how to start being confident. At least, not in a way that lasts.

I am talking about practicing kindness and honesty at the same time. You can admit you need to grow without bullying yourself into growth. You can recognize a mistake without turning it into proof that you are terrible. You can want more for your life without hating who you are right now.

A lot of people think being hard on themselves is what keeps them motivated. They think, “If I stop criticizing myself, I’ll get lazy. I’ll make excuses. I’ll never grow.”

I get that because I believed it too.

I was 26 years old when I finally realized I hated myself. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, “I would rather have younger me who was fun and adventurous, or future me who has his life together. Anyone but you.”

People had told me I was hard on myself, and I knew they were right. But I thought being hard on myself was necessary. I thought it was discipline. As it turns out, it was a mean strategy that was not working.

The Self-Talk Habit I Had Not Noticed

Once I realized how much I disliked myself, I noticed one habit. I constantly called myself an idiot. When I took a wrong turn, forgot something, dropped something, or bumped my head on a cabinet, I was apparently the dumbest man alive.

It was automatic. The words came out before I had time to question them. When I finally noticed it, I decided to stop. Not because I suddenly felt amazing, but because cruelty had not made me healthier, more organized, present, or confident.

One day I came home carrying too many things from my car because, like many men before me, I believed two trips was a personal failure. As I walked inside, I dropped a soda can and it started spilling everywhere. Immediately, I shouted, “You idiot!”

Then I caught it. I stopped and said, “You’re not an idiot. You are carrying too many things because you are in too big of a hurry. Slow down. There is nothing wrong with taking two trips.”

Another time, I realized I had forgotten an important meeting with my mentor. My first thought was, “What an idiot.” Again, I stopped and reframed it: “You’re not an idiot. You’re exhausted. People forget things when they are tired. Take better care of yourself and check your calendar more often.”

In both moments, I was still responsible. I still needed to clean up the soda. I still needed to apologize for missing the meeting. But I did not need to hate myself in order to grow. That is one of the most important lessons in how to start being confident: responsibility and self-hatred are not the same thing.

How to Start Being Confident by Making Mistakes Safer

This feels backward at first: people grow better when they feel safe enough to try. We often believe shame will wake us up. But most people do not become healthier when they feel hated. They hide, avoid, procrastinate, or make the same mistake again and feel worse.

Think about a child with a harsh, angry parent. When the parent responds with criticism or shame, the child does not usually become more confident. They become afraid. They start hiding mistakes. But when a parent holds boundaries with kindness and patience, the child still learns responsibility while feeling safe enough to be honest.

The same is true inside you. If your inner voice is cruel, you may get short-term compliance, but you will not build genuine confidence. You build fear, pressure, and the feeling that you are only acceptable when you perform perfectly.

Confidence grows when your inner voice becomes supportive enough to help you try again. That is why how to start being confident has less to do with acting fearless and more to do with becoming safe to yourself.

A Practical Way to Change Your Self-Talk

If you want a practical answer for how to start being confident, start by noticing your inner dialogue. You cannot change a pattern you refuse to see.

For me, it was noticing when I called myself an idiot. For you, it may sound different. Maybe you think, “I’m so behind,” “I always mess things up,” “I’m too awkward,” “Everyone else is better at this,” or “I’ll never figure it out.”

When you catch one of those thoughts, pause. Ask yourself, “Would I say this to a friend?” If the answer is no, write it down somewhere. A journal, notebook, or phone note works fine. You are just learning to notice the soundtrack in your head.

Next, change the narrative. Stop for 20 seconds and rephrase the thought with honesty and kindness.

• “I’m so stupid” becomes, “I made a mistake. I can slow down and fix what I can.”
• “I never follow through” becomes, “I have struggled with consistency, but I can choose one small next step today.”
• “I’m behind” becomes, “I feel behind, but I am still learning, and my story is not over.”

You may not fully believe the new sentence at first. That is okay. This is how to start being confident slowly and honestly, not by pretending everything is fine, but by becoming less cruel to yourself when things are not fine.

How to Start Being Confident Through Repetition

The next step in how to start being confident is repetition. What you repeat gets easier. If you practice attacking yourself every day, your brain gets good at that. If you practice patience, honesty, and encouragement, your brain can get better at that too.

You will not see massive change overnight. Annoying, I know. But after a few months, you may notice you recover faster. You try again sooner. You stop turning every mistake into a character assassination.

After about two years of practicing this, I called myself an idiot again one day and immediately started laughing. I stopped and said, “Okay, Kurtis, you know you’re not an idiot. You made a mistake. Try again.”

That was real growth. Not perfection. Just kindness, responsibility, and confidence living in the same room.

Confidence Starts When You Become Safe to Yourself

If you want to know how to start being confident, start with your self-talk. Pay attention to the words you use when you mess up, feel nervous, disappoint yourself, or feel unsure.

You do not need to become one of those fake, overly positive people on social media attempting to manifest their best self. Some mistakes are annoying. Some are painful. Some require an apology and a better plan. But you can be honest without being cruel.

This is how to start being confident from the inside out: your inner voice becomes kinder, and your confidence starts to change. You try things you used to avoid. You recover from mistakes instead of drowning in them. You move closer to your goals because you are no longer dragging shame and self-hatred behind you like a backpack full of bricks.

Eventually, you realize you have someone steady in your corner: yourself. And that changes a lot.

If you or your young adult is struggling with self-doubt, confidence, follow-through, or feeling stuck, young adult coaching with Kurtis Vanderpool Life Coaching can help. Coaching gives young adults space to understand their patterns, build healthier habits, and move forward with more clarity, courage, and self-trust. Try a free consultation with a young adult life coach today and see how you can start being a more confident, capable you.