When It Looks Like They Just Don’t Care
You’ve probably asked yourself some version of this question:
“Why doesn’t my kid seem motivated to do anything?”
You’ve encouraged, you’ve reminded, you’ve maybe even nudged (okay—pushed). But no matter what you try, your young adult still seems unmotivated. They might spend most of their time on their phone, procrastinate on job applications, or coast through classes without much effort.
It’s frustrating. Especially when you remember how driven you were at their age—or how much pressure you felt to be.
But here’s the truth: being unmotivated today often doesn’t mean what it used to. For many young adults, what looks like “no motivation” is actually confusion, fear, or a lack of connection between what they’re doing and what actually matters to them.
Motivation Looks Different at 20 Than It Does at 40
As adults, we tend to be motivated by things like security, providing for our families, or professional success. We’ve lived enough life to see the link between work, reward, and stability.
But a 20-year-old’s brain isn’t wired the same way. Young adults are still figuring out who they are and what they value. They don’t yet have the life experience that ties effort to outcomes. So when a parent says, “Just work harder” or “You need to get moving,” the message often lands as pressure, not guidance.
The truth is, most young adults aren’t unmotivated. They’re uninspired or unsure.
They want to do well, but they don’t always know why they should.
The Real Reasons Behind “No Motivation”
There are a few common roots of what looks like an unmotivated young adult:
- Fear of failure. Many students grew up with perfectionism or comparison culture. If they’re not sure they can succeed, they’d rather not try at all.
- Lack of clarity. It’s hard to be motivated when you don’t know what you actually want. “Get good grades” or “find a job” feel like vague instructions without purpose behind them.
- Misaligned values. Sometimes they’re chasing goals they think they should want—like a certain major, job, or salary—but it doesn’t actually connect to who they are.
- Overwhelm. When everything feels uncertain—adulthood, finances, identity—shutting down can feel safer than moving forward.
Motivation isn’t something you can simply turn on with a pep talk. When a person feels truly unmotivated, it’s a sign that there’s something deeper happening beneath the surface, and they have to find a way to discover their true motivation.
A Coaching Story: The “Boat Guy”
I once coached a young man who said his biggest goal was to “make more money.” Pretty common answer, right?
The problem was… he wasn’t doing anything to make that happen. He wasn’t applying for new jobs, learning new skills, or taking on more responsibility. He just kept waiting for something to change.
So I asked him, “What would money actually get you?”
He said, “Stuff.”
I pressed further: “What kind of stuff?”
After a few moments, he said, “A boat.”
That’s when I dug deeper. Why a boat? Was it about showing success? Status?
We eventually discovered that when he was a kid, his family used to spend weekends on the lake together. Those were his happiest memories.
Suddenly, it clicked. He didn’t really want money, he wanted memories. He wanted to recreate those moments of connection and joy he had as a child.
Once we uncovered that deeper value, everything changed. He started updating his résumé, applied for new jobs, and found purpose in working toward a better future, not just for the paycheck, but for the life it could build.
That’s the power of understanding what truly drives someone.
What Parents Often Miss About Motivation
Parents sometimes assume their child’s lack of drive is laziness or entitlement, but when someone is unmotivated, it’s usually because their inner compass is pointing one way while life is pushing them another. What’s really happening is a disconnect between values and direction.
You can’t motivate someone by giving them your values. You can only help them uncover their own.
When a parent says, “You need to work hard so you can buy a house one day,” but the young adult values freedom, creativity, or meaningful experiences, the advice won’t land. It just sounds like noise.
That’s why the most powerful thing you can do isn’t to push your young adult, it’s to get curious.
How to Help an Unmotivated Young Adult (Without Nagging)
Here are some practical ways to help your young adult rediscover their motivation:
- Start with empathy, not advice.
Before offering suggestions, show that you understand. Try: “It sounds like you’re feeling stuck and unsure of where to start. That’s okay—it’s normal at this age.” - Ask questions that uncover meaning.
Instead of “What do you want to do with your life?” try “What kind of moments make you feel alive?” or “What kind of person do you want to be?” These questions help them connect goals with identity. - Focus on small wins.
Motivation grows through momentum. Celebrate even small steps like updating a résumé or emailing a professor. - Avoid comparison.
“Your brother had a job by now” or “When I was your age…” never helps. It only adds shame, which kills motivation faster than anything. - Encourage exploration.
Young adults are in a stage of identity formation. Encourage them to try new classes, volunteer work, or creative projects. Motivation often follows curiosity. - Model balance and purpose.
Show them that fulfillment comes from meaning, not busyness. When they see you resting, learning, and pursuing growth, they learn it’s okay to do the same.
Why Motivation Must Be Personal
Every generation defines “success” differently. Many parents were taught that success comes from hard work, stability, and achievement. For today’s young adults, success is more tied to alignment, living in sync with who they are, not just what they do.
This doesn’t mean they don’t care about money or career. It means they want those things to feel connected to something that matters.
When we help them find that connection, motivation follows naturally.
What to Do If You’re Still Stuck
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your young adult still seems lost. That’s where coaching can help.
As a life coach who’s worked with hundreds of young adults, I help them identify what truly drives them, rebuild confidence, and take realistic steps forward. It’s not about forcing motivation; it’s about helping them discover it from within.
If you’re tired of watching your son or daughter drift through life feeling unmotivated and unsure what to do next, let’s talk.
Book a free consultation today, and let’s figure out what’s really holding them back.
Final Thought
Your young adult isn’t broken. They’re becoming.
Sometimes what looks like laziness is really fear. What looks like apathy is actually confusion. And what looks like being unmotivated might just be a sign they haven’t yet found the “boat” that gives their effort meaning.
Be patient. Stay curious. And remember, you can’t light their fire for them, but you can help them find the spark.
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